So many goodbyes.
Sometimes I feel like all I do is say goodbye.
For real. When I think back over the months I think of names, faces, smiles, laughs, voices, inside jokes, etc. I really miss. The reason I miss them is because I am no longer with them. I was blessed to have a month, sometimes less, with these individuals who mark my life but then at the end of that month I have to say the word I’ve become far too familiar with… goodbye.
The other day me, Dan, Wesley, and Oscar arrived in Santiago, Spain. We sat on the ground in front of the massive cathedral – a famous end to the famous pilgrimage. We however, didn’t sit alone. We walked with our new-found Italian friends Simone and Federico. We were also welcomed into Santiago by five other friends we made along the Camino. It was truly one of the most amazing moments as we entered the square. I had no idea we were about to be greeted by familiar faces and yet, there we were, hugging, smiling, crying, and cheering! For me it was an emotional high. 20 days of walking across Spain culminated in this moment. A moment I will forever remember – a moment where heaven met earth.
But every moment eventually runs its course.
It wasn’t long after celebrating the completion of our journey that we began saying goodbye. Friends now had flights to catch and schedules to keep. We found ourselves one week ahead of the rest of our squad and with PLENTY of last moments to share with the precious people of the way. This of course meant a lot of emotional farewells.
As I began passing out goodbye hugs like candy, I began to see other faces in my mind’s eye. I began to remember the other incredible souls whom I said farewell to earlier this year. I began to realize that I’ve learned how to guard myself when it comes to parting ways. I’ve allowed myself to get calloused. To distance my heart so that it doesn’t ache when I wrap my arms around that individual one last time.
That’s when I started tearing up. That’s when I was tempted to feel like God or life was being unfair. Why do goodbyes have to exist? Why do they have to be so painful? Why can’t we live in a perpetual state of togetherness where I never feel that all-too-familiar hole in my chest after turning my back on someone after my time with them is up? I’m so tired of saying, “Hope to see you again one day.” Or, “If you’re ever in America, look me up!” These words though they come from a genuine heart feel SOOOO empty. I’m sick of hollow words. I hate the fact that I’ve become good at saying goodbye.
To tell you the truth, I think I would rather skip the goodbye. To me, it one of the worst things when you have a goodbye hanging over your head. Like when you know that in a few hours you’re about to share intimate goodbye moment with a dear friend? It adds a sort of solemness to the day. Now imagine going through that multiple times every month for a year!? It’s enough to rattle anyone’s emotions!
So that’s where I’ve been these past few days. Emotional. I’ve had a hard time coping with and processing all the goodbyes. I’ve had a hard time realizing that I’ve become too good at saying goodbye. There are so many people I want to see again that I probably never will, and that hurts. The callouses are gone, the walls are down. The Camino stripped them away, opened up my heart, and reminded me why it’s hard to make relationships with people… because you eventually have to say goodbye to them.
But as my parents always say, better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.
So I’m not glad that goodbyes are painful, but I am glad that I feel the pain they bring.
For love leaves some of it’s most clear traces with painful goodbyes.
The life of a missionary I suppose
Thanks so much Chelsea!
Aw haha, I love this! Thank you so so much
So good man. Truth remains when feelings waver.
Yeah, the whole one month at a time thing tends to wear on you lol
Wow, thanks for this perspective
I look forward to that day too! 🙂
Wow Judy, this was so sweet and encouraging to read. Thank you so, so much for blessing me with these incredible words.
Well said my friend! And yes, I hope the same thing. Wish I could have seen you in Santiago man. Blessings as you continue your life journey and know that it was a pleasure getting to know you a little bit
Bro. I just wrote two similar blogs about being SO tired of goodbyes. My heart is shredded and I’m just tired of them.
Beautifully written my friend. I hate good byes too, thank you for so transparent. Praying for you daily 🙂
I don’t like goodbyes either! So, don’t be a stranger 🙂 You are always welcome at the Starbuck home! Love and prayers, Momma Starbuck
Dang. If this isn’t true. It is sooo hard, and the way you worded it is too accurate, but the truth remains. Hard goodbyes are good gifts because they remind us of the blessings of community and give hope towards a future of togetherness. And we can rest in the promises of God that someday we will have eternal togetherness and will walk with Him and our reunited family side by side by side. Until then- peace. Romans 8:22-29
yeah man. I felt the same way pretty much the whole last month of the Race. And I still do a lot of times when squads come through here.
Dang bro. This is so true..
Praying for you! How wonderful it is to have something worth grieving over..
ya nailed it Connor!!
Dearest Connor, While reading your blog, I felt chills and tears welling in my eyes as you laid your heart open to the “loss” of new friends. But they are not gone as you carry all those memories in your heart. Who knows, God may arrange for you to see them again in the near future. You have made such a warm impact on all the people you meet, including me about 11 months ago when I met you while you were visiting with my granddaughter’s family. I pray for your happiness, safety, and strength for whatever He holds for your future. Love to you! Kaylin’s grandmother
I can totally relate. You’ve put this so well, I’ve felt emotional the last couple of days from the Camino farewells! But very true that the fact that it hurts means that the relationships were/are genuine! I hope we can meet again someday 🙂
Well said. Thanks for being willing to continue to lead squads and make new relationships. Our daughter, Makayla, is on W squad for Gap Year that just flew out today. Please know that you and the rest of the leaders are in our prayers.
My whole life I’ve hated goodbyes. I look forward to Heaven, when there will no longer be any goodbyes and fellowship will be eternal! Thanks for your words, Connor! Very real, deep, and heartfelt.