Feelings never cease to amaze me.
One day I can be feeling great – a firing-on-all-cylinders kind of day. Then without warning, I can wake up the next day on the wrong side of the bed with a pretty dismal attitude/outlook. That’s crazy!
A quote I’ve been mentally chewing on these past few weeks is, “You have to tell God’s story to your heart, not the world’s story.” I like changing the quote though so that it hits home. “You have to tell God’s story to your heart, not depression’s story… not frustration’s story… not comparison’s story…not lust’s story…not pride’s story.” Essentially, not your feeling’s story.
The fact that our feelings are valuable, but not always true is something I’ve been aware of for some time. However, I believe the practice of replacing God’s story for my feeling’s story will be a lifelong journey. I’m ok with that. The idea that God meets me in my feelings, listens to them, wraps me in His grace, and then stretches out His hand asking me to hand them over so He can restore His truth is really, really beautiful. Wow. I mean come on, that’s Awesome!
Throughout April I was content to rest. Living without an intense schedule, enjoying the quiet atmosphere of my parent’s house, and allowing my soul to be still after a year and a half of stimulation was needed. Now that I’ve recharged and we’ve entered May, however, I’m ready to get back out there. Unfortunately, I can’t, which has led to feeling out of place.
But I shouldn’t be feeling this way right?
I mean, I thought Pittsburgh was my home, why am I discontent? I’ve been friends with that person for years, why does it feel weird now? A month ago I was missing the US, why am I now missing Ethiopia, Thailand, etc.? I grew up here, so why does it feel more foreign than the foreign field? What’s the matter with me?
I’ll have days where these kinds of questions cripple me. Thankfully, God bends to meet me. And you know what? He reminds me of who I am. He reminds me who He is. He takes my questions and replaces them with contentment found in His truth. He whispers, “It’s ok you feel out of place. I am your home.”
The truth is, God’s ultimate plan for me isn’t to live in my parent’s house. It’s not to sit in quarantine for the rest of my life. It’s not to lay roots in Pittsburgh. It’s not to be something I’m not, nor is it to live a cushioned life. In fact, it’s not to hold tightly to anything in this world… including missions!
I love missions. I come alive when I’m on the field. No doubt in my mind it’s where I’m supposed to be, but it isn’t the solution. It can’t fill the void. It might be able to do more for me than socially distancing in Western Pennsylvania can – that’s valid – but ultimately, ONLY God can fill me. Only God can take me from feeling out of place to feeling…
at home.
.
.
.
We will always feel out of place when we search anywhere other than our true Home.
